Why did the chicken cross the road?

This is one of the oldest English riddles. The widely accepted answer is "To get to the other side". Yup, not funny. The answer is expected to be funny but it's not -- therein lies the humour of this fowl(chicken) riddle. And by the way, I've got no idea why the fowl was chosen as the centrepiece of this riddle. Well, that's academic anyway.

Over the years, many variations of the riddle have cropped up. One variation uses parody, where the answers are 'assumed' to be given by famous persons or organisations.

Some of the parody type answers I've found:

Why did the chicken cross the road?

COLONEL SANDERS: I missed one?

HOMER SIMPSON: There was free beer on the other side of the road.

JESSICA SIMPSON: Why would he be on a road, I thought chickens lived in the ocean?

SNOOP DOGG: This (censored) fool of a chicken didn't (censored) know what the (censored) he was doin crossin a (censored) alley in (censored) Harlem at 1:00 in the (censored) mornin'.

SHAKESPEARE: To cross or not to cross, that is the question.

GANDHI: All chickens should peacefully resist by crossing the road.

NEIL ARMSTRONG: That's one small step for Chicken, one giant leap for Chicken kind.

BILL GATES: I have just released the new Chicken 2000, which
will both cross roads AND balance your checkbook, though when it divides 3 by 2 it gets 1.4999999999.

GEORGE W. BUSH: We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road or not. The chicken is either with us or it is against us. There is no middle ground here.

DARTH VADER: It can cross, but it cannot escape its DESTINY.
Join me on the dark side of the road! Do not underestimate the power of the road!

CAPTAIN KIRK: To boldly go where no chicken has gone before.

PAK LAH: zzzzzZZZZ.

PAK LAH (2): I dunno.

SAMY: Did the chicken pay toll?

ATTORNEY-GENERAL: There was no evidence to prove that the chicken crossed the road. The case has been closed.

DVD SELLER: Chicken Cross the Road? Don have yet. Chicken Little have lah. Gerenti clear one.

ME: Chicken? You mean prostitute issit?

*The Malaysian versions(in red) were contributed by the owner of this blog ;)

P.S:
If you're scratching your head over the Pak Lah versions, you really need to visit more of the heavyweight blogs eh. Since this is not a political blog, I'm not going to elaborate -- I don't want to run fowl(er.. foul) of the authorities. LOL. Here's a short video to get you started, http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1ECH289ZAyo. Have fun!

Learn Bahasa Malaysia

Today, we're going to translate a phrase from Bahasa Malaysia to English.


The Bahasa Malaysia phrase is:


Translated to English:
Water Asia OR Asian Water -- take your pick.


What? You don't believe me? Check the BM-Inggeris dictionary lah.

Dato' Tony Fernandes

Yes Tony, I know it's a piss poor attempt at humour. But what the heck, it's Monday mah! I need to cheer myself up. LOL. Anyway, credit where credit's due -- AirAsia is a great airline. Read the AirAsia and Tony Fernandes (CEO of AirAsia) success story here.

Woof! Woof!

A few days ago, I received an e-mail with a few pictures attached. One particular picture had me in stitches, and I got myself a stare from my boss for that (Lesson learned: Never read funny e-mails when the boss is nearby). Anyway, the heck with him - see the picture below.

Loosely translated:
Top frame: Woof, I'm gonna bite you!!
Bottom frame: What was that sound??

It's frigging funny right? Now, let's clear the air, I'm not a sadist and I like dogs(when they're not trying to bite me LOL) - it's just that the picture is soooo funny it deserves some exposure here.

Hmm, I'd be really worried if these bumbling canines were to keep watch over my house - I'd probably need to watch over them instead.

P/S:
If you know the source of the picture, please contact me. I'd like to attribute the picture to the original site/creator. As the text is in Simplified Chinese, it probably originated from China? Well, just a wild guess. I may be barking up the wrong tree.

~I've got no idea whether any animal has been harmed in the making of this post~

A TOLL-tal disappointment

BUTTERWORTH: Come Sept 1, users passing the Sungai Nyior toll booth of the Butterworth Outer Ring Road (BORR) will have to pay toll.

The Malaysian Highway Authority (MHA) said in a statement yesterday that the toll rate would be from 50 sen to RM2.

The toll rate is 50 sen (Class 1), RM1 (Class 2), RM2 (Class 3), 50 sen (Class 4) and 90 sen (Class 5).

The new rate is slightly cheaper than originally proposed on Feb 12 but deferred due to public protest..............

- The Star (Wednesday August 15, 2007)



Slightly cheaper? My ar*e! The public were not asking for lower rates! We don't want to pay the toll. Period.

Now, I'm trying very hard to refrain myself from swearing. I'm a nice guy, so I won't pepper this post with more profanities. Ugh!!

For those not familiar with the new Butterworth Outer Ring Road(BORR) which was opened earlier this year, well, the Sungai Nyior toll booth is not even on any part of this BORR. The stretch of road has been in used for the past 10 years - FREE.



Along the new BORR, there are already toll booths built. Ok, that's fair. But why build another toll booth on an old road away from the BORR project? Hmmm, maybe they miscalculated and bought too much building material. So build another toll booth somewhere la. Problem solved, extra profit some more. The guy moron who came up with this brilliant idea probably got a big pat on the back, and an even bigger bonus! This is the Bolehland wat. (To the authorities: Sorry, pure speculation on my part. Can't take a joke meh?)

I'm still trying very hard to hold myself back. Grrrrr!!!

The reason for the toll booth was published a few months ago. But I can't remember it now and I didn't believe it then. Because it didn't sound credible enough? Sounded like it was cooked up by the spin doctors?

I'm TOLL-tally disappointed to say the least. Hmm, I might wake up one day to find a toll booth right in front of my house. Hey, strange things can happen.

Aiyoyo Samy!!!!! Yenna daaaa!!!!!

Psst! My pet has got something to say. See picture below.

Now I can't hold myself back anymore. So, excuse me, I'll go bang my head against the wall.



Okay okay, this cute fella is not really my pet. And I don't know what it's actually trying to do. Do you? :)

~No animal has been harmed in the making of this post~

Holiday season again

Yup, it's the seventh lunar month again, the holiday season for the spirits of the underworld(or ghosts if you prefer). As you know, the Gates of Hell are open this month, freeing the invisible chaps for a month of holiday and merrymaking.

With hordes of ghosts marching down the streets, you'd think that this will be a spooky and scary month. But it seems that humans join in the merrymaking as well, oblivious to the invisible chaps surrounding them. Well, the 'scariest' things you'll see are the scantily clad singers performing at the many stage shows.

By the way, the ostensible purpose of the shows is for the spirits' enjoyment, but only humans can be seen enjoying them of course. As we can't see the ghosts rocking and swaying to the songs, I wonder whether they like the shows? Oh yea, one type of 'ghost' can definitely be seen enjoying the shows - the ham sap kuei (if you don't understand Cantonese, please ask a friend).

I've a niggling thought recently - maybe millions of spirits were let out(or billions? anyone has the correct figure?). So who is going to make sure they go back to where they belong when the holiday season is over? What if a bunch of them decide to stay on? What if they decide to revolt against their underworld lords? Hmm, we continue the merrymaking and the stage shows ah?

Time to 'call chicken'

Guys, don't get excited. If you're expecting any immoral content here, shame on you. This is not going to be an obscene post. It's about language, albeit in a lighthearted manner.

I still remember vividly, years ago, when I was in Japan - a Japanese colleague taught me the word kyu kei.

With a straight face, he said something like, "Ano, kyu kei time desu". We were having a meeting and the Japanese colleague was trying to tell us to take a break, but my Malaysian colleagues and I laughed ourselves silly.

Oh, by the way, kyu kei means short rest or break. Poor chap, he was so nice to us and we laughed like a pack of hyenas.

If you speak Hokkien, you'd probably already know the reason for our irreverence(well, unintentional of course). The word kyu kei sounds almost exactly the same as "call chicken" translated to Hokkien. Try saying it to any of your Hokkien friend and watch the bemused fella's reaction(don't try it on any of your female Hokkien friend though, unless she's a close acquantaince OR you're prepared to spend some time in a hospital)

Ja, mata au de (See you again).

Quick note:
If you'd like to know how to draw a masking tape using Photoshop(with the correct colour, shape and texture), get the Photoshop source file of the above CHICK from http://www.flamingbyte.com/downloads/chick.zip.... Too lazy to write a guide for it, so if you have any questions just email me or 'stick' a comment on this post.

What's in a name

It was reported in The Star a couple of days ago(14th August 2007) that a person is allowed to change his/her name only under "special circumstances". "For example, if an applicant wants to change his name because it sounds like a derogatory word, we will allow him to do it," the National Registration Department director-general said.

So, basically, you can change your name only if the person(s) giving you your name f**ked-up badly, or they hated you. Anyway, shouldn't it be the other way round? Every adult should be allowed to legally and through proper procedure change his/her name unless the chosen new name is offensive or violates any rule.

Imagine a guy called Chau Hai(not vulgar la, er, unless you're a Cantonese speaking chap) wanted to change his name. He goes to the designated gomen department, and the following conversation ensues when the gomen officer decides to interview him:

Officer : Apasal Encik nak tukar nama? Mesti ada alasan yang munasabah!
Chau Hai : Pasai itu nama tak elok.
Officer : Apa yang tak elok?
Chau Hai : Bunyi macam, errr, itu, err...
Officer : Apa tu?
Chau Hai : Aiya, itu la... susah mau cakap la.
Officer : Bagi tahu saja lah, kalo tak bagi tahu tak boleh diluluskan.
Chau Hai : Aiyo, cib*i la!
Officer : Hoi, apasal mencarut ni! Jangan kurang ajar!!!

Well, the situation above is just a figment of my imagination. But I think the officers in charge of handling name-change applications can look forward to some hilarious moments.

Oh, by the way, I do know a guy called Chau Hai... seriously... so stop laughing. If he knows I wrote this, well, you won't be reading anymore of my posts anytime soon. My dear friend, please forgive me, at least I didn't disclose your surname ma(see, I'm a considerate guy). On the positive side, this friend of mine can easily change his name legally - and choose a much better name. But for the rest of us, we're stuck with our uninteresting names.

3 column templates for Blogger - Download and installation

The original templates from Blogger provide only 2 columns(main and sidebar) -- which may be a bit restrictive to some of you. Here, I've made available a few 3 column templates adapted from the original Blogger templates.

For each of the 3 column templates, I've made sure that the side bars are wide enough for Google ads, banners and other contents, yet the total width of the page does not exceed the capacity of lower resolution screens. You can still change the background colours, font colors and page elements within the Blogger user area as usual.



Denim



Dots Dark



Minima



Minima Blue



Minima Dark



Sand Dollar



Mr.Moto



Son of Moto



Ms.Moto

To download, right-click on the template link(not the picture) and choose Save Target As.


Installation

1. Sign in to your Blogger Dashboard, click the Layout link for your blog.
   
   
2. Select the Edit HTML tab.
   
   
3. Backup your original template(important) to your PC by clicking the Download Full Template link.
   
   
   CAUTION:
   When you install a new template, the old widgets(or elements or side panels) like Adsense, Links, HTML/JavaScript, banners etc will be deleted. Please go to Template > Page Elements, and click Edit for each of your element/widget and save the code/content to Notepad or Word first before installing. After you have installed the new 3 column template, you can put back the elements one by one and copy the codes you have saved earlier.
   
   
4. Click the Browse button to locate the template file (XML file) that you have downloaded to your PC, then click the Upload button.
   
   
5. If Blogger warns you that "Widgets are about to be deleted", click Confirm & Save.
   

NOTE:
If you use any of the templates, remember to put a link to Instant Byte (http://instantbyte.blogspot.com) in your Links or Blogroll section.

The templates are provided as is, in good faith, without any warranty, expressed or implied. The usual stuff lah.